A Modest Nuclear Proposal: Operation Warp Speed II

The Science Wars Part X

"Vision is the art of seeing things invisible." -Jonathan Swift

Judging by the mainstream media and my inbox, the statistically extreme energy constraints faced by Europe is something like a problem. While the plight of football hooligans and people who never grasped historical lessons about state socialism usually doesn't rise near the top of my priority list, I feel compelled now to write about an ingenious solution, the likes of which few mortals could have worked out, or would bother to have spend the time on. I will do my best to lay the groundwork slowly so that non-STEM majors might follow my reasoning.

Europe is in a world of hurt thanks to the Russian invasion of Ukraine, along with Western sanctions imposed on Russia. And also because the majority there is enraptured by political philosophies that attempt to pave over rational economics Enron-style. Energy prices have increased so fast and so much that planning around the lack of energy required to produce fertilizer quickly became impossible. If you're confused as to why this is the case, I recommend reading the Investopedia page on the Law of Supply and Demand. 

While conspiracy theorists suggest that these circumstances look planned out, fact checkers have assured me that there is absolutely no evidence of a shadowy cabal making decisions with plausible deniability that could precipitate anything like the current horror show that is Europe.

As we head toward Winter, Europeans could very well face freezing temperatures and a lack of food to go around. The obvious solution of running around playing football to generate heat is off the table as many who attempt it seem to fall dead for reasons still unknown. Without adequate food or heat, millions could die. That process may have begun already with Russian energy executives kicking the bucket left and right. If all that isn't enough, spikes in mortality and morbidity could confound the grand experiment that is the mass global COVID-19 vaccine rollout. I'm sure the Pharmafia dons are bitterly disappointed.

There are those who blame Europe's predicament on what appear to be shallow, virtue-signaling energy policies with no forward thinking, balanced investment, or stress testing. However, European politicians have already routed around that problem by redefining green energy to include natural gas and nuclear sources. Because words matter! That brilliant piece of political maneuvering set the stage for the perfect solution. I will explain, but first, some background…

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Donald Trump and Jonathan Swift: The World's Greatest Nuclear Engineers

You might doubt this section header for a moment given that (1) Trump never bragged about being a great, or "the greatest" living nuclear engineer, and (2) Swift has been dead for a very long time. That just means you lack imagination. Never fear—your perfunctory energy solution manager is here.

Let's start with Swift. In 1729, Jonathan Swift penned A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick. Let us forgive him for misspelling "public". He was European, after all, and Europeans cannot plan an energy economy, much less master the economy of letters. And we will shorten his title to A Modest Proposal, which is already an 88.9% savings in energy costs. Also, 1729 is the smallest integer that is the sum of two positive perfect cubes in two different ways. We shall see if this comes in handy.

But I did say that Swift was or is a great nuclear engineer, so I'll justify that claim by simply pointing to this most excellent plan you now read. I stand—nay, we stand on the shoulders of the man whose template for economic solutions reached nearly three-hundred years into the future. His work stands out as nothing short of genius given that the man never heard of uranium, plutonium, or thorium, much less atoms.

Swift's most famous proposal surely also influenced Europe's food market and population problems, making today's energy crisis less scary than it might otherwise have become—Eat stew, Sir Francis Bacon! 

Also, standing on Swift's immense shoulders is former U.S. President Donald J. Trump. And nobody stands on shoulders better than Trump, the man who brought Operation Warp Speed to life. Nobody. His friends compliment his ability to stand on shoulders. He is great at it. Superb. The best. 

Trump's genius in elevating himself atop Swift is only one aspect of his engineering genius. Trump's Operation Warp Speed demonstrated to the world that The Science is ready when The Politicians and the The Scientists they fund say that it's ready. Why bother with lengthy steps such as validating testing procedures when people (who might have four or five comorbidities) are dying—or might die?

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The Modest Proposal: Pepper Europe With New Nuclear Reactors in Only Nine Months

The nuclear energy debate is a contentious one. There are those who say that no nuclear power can ever be safe enough to keep them from reliving the memory of watching a documentary about Chernobyl on TV.

But these are the same sorts of people who fear wearing clothing made of seran wrap in public, and don't want to eat bugs for the rest of their lives. Who cares what they think? Let them eat Russian cake crumbs!

A second group of people argues that after doing a bunch of math involving equilibrium problems, estimating line loss, balancing the books, and some other nerdy stuff, that nuclear energy makes rational sense as one piece of a diverse energy policy. Be careful about associating with this crowd or letting your children go to school with their children. Remain polite, but only shop for food where they're on the other side of the cage fence with the bug eaters.

The correct policy option can only be a uniform, full stop, 100% nuclear energy coverage of the whole continent of Europe. And then the world.

Understand that today's nuclear reactors are little like reactors of the past that produced tons of green goo that environmental regulators still haven't figured out how to dispose of or hide. Chernobyl will never be repeated, unless the reactor is very old, or some region descends into violent warfare.

Nor is there any need to build reactors where earthquakes might lead to disasters such as the one at Fukushima. Lesson learned, right? 

Today's small nuclear power reactors achieve truly excellent risk-reward ratios that compete even with those technologies that were already categorized by European officials as green tech prior to the recent redefinition. There is hardly a drawback unless you consider the prospect of making Bill Gates even richer a drawback. And as luck would have it, the nuclear industry is already testing new products on animals (often referred to colloquially as "Asians"). Are we not now ready to leap to providing everyone with nuclear power?

We might as well plop down reactors everywhere there is land [away from a fault line] in Europe—even in areas that produce their own energy just fine. That local energy doesn't guarantee a safe and effective energy supply like a shiny new nuclear reactor. How could it? I have an inkling that 1,729 reactors will do the trick, and would honor Swift's contribution to the plan.

In the instance that this modest proposal is met with resistance, we held a training exercise that we dubbed Event 201b where we brainstormed and practiced best methods for castigating and dehumanizing those who refuse to comply. But why should anyone resist? 

In the cases of people who might not want a reactor next to their home, we will apply the U.S. method of Imminent Domain to move poor people dwelling where reactors should sit. They should thank us since they are the ones who would likely otherwise die of starvation or hypothermia.

And the best part is that Operation Warp Speed II is legally a Green Energy Policy. This opens it up to direct funding by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for whom the economics of Green policy spending actually and necessarily works out via supranatural phenomena. The whole plan is so simple that mentally challenged European leaders like Macron and Merkel can have militarized police ensure success anywhere people aren't cooperating. Heck, even Biden could probably pull it off.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not point out that you…me…everyone with Bill Gates level wealth…should pool together and purchase some of these reactors for Africa and other continents with shithole nations. It's a moral imperative. It's only equitable.