What do Humans Keep on their Shelves?
Moloch's Wars, Part II
"So when the wolf pounces on your lamb, just ignore the pitiful bleating and remind yourself that this is a democracy, where every sheep can freely express its preference for which kind of wolf it wants to be eaten by. Many sheep, perhaps understandably, prefer a wolf in sheep's clothing, which is after all the basic idea of democracy. So far it has worked pretty well. The wolves all agree on that, and they want to spread democracy everywhere." -Joseph Sobran
What do Kunlangeta keep on their shelves?
If anyone knows what humans keep on their shelves, that anyone must be a robot with a voracious appetite for information about what humans do generally. But are robots the only ones who know what people keep on their shelves?
But if you sit and watch for half an hour, you can find out that Zuckerberg is just like you. He likes smoking meat.
Don't worry. Zuckerberg stopped important meetings (or meatings or meta-ings or something) to let you know he has a sense of humor, which the NYT is happy to tell you about. Because that's fit to print.
But we're not here to talk about what the Kunlangeta keep on their shelves. We're here to talk about humans, and it would be foolish to think algorithms have modeled that completely. Let's see if we can find…some actual humans…
What do Actual Humans Keep on Their Shelves?
"When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion." -Dale Carnegie
Do humans enjoy reading Dale Carnegie?
That was early during the pandemic, but in February of 2022, Governor Whitmer's background decor looked a bit different. Gone was Fauci, but suddenly home team football helmets are in style. Because, you know…Whitmer's all about the people.
Okay, so what does Obergruppenführer Fauci keep on his shelves?
Lots and lots and lots of little Faucinis. I wonder if that's hypnotic.
Sorry, did I just launch an attack on The Science? Maybe The Science should be free of judgment? Even legal adjudication?
What do you say when your bureaucrat's a brat?
I thought we were supposed to be talking about humans?
Right. Sorry. I'll try better-harder-better next time…
What do People Who Like Sports Keep on Their Shelves?
One thing that I know about humans, having been one for some time now, is that a lot of humans enjoy sports. And nobody knows better how to run algorithms that gather data on people who like sports better than ESPN!
This man is raging against the machine. I mean really raging. Can't you see the rage? He even covers BLM in the MLB. He also has a rubik's cube, which is very human. It's always posing on the shelf in the very same position at all times, which is even more human. Just like all the books with classical-ish binding.
To his credit, Jeff let's you know that the office background is a performative set. He's looking out for you. For you, that's who.
Still in search of humans, let's move on to hipsters. What do hipsters on food stamps have on their shelves now?
It's not a pretty picture. If the supply chain was weak, a war in Ukraine isn't making anything better. Are these all really container ships parked and not going anywhere?
Most likely Putin is responsible for all of this (and COVID-19, but I see no reason why he can't be responsible for that, too). But if the FBI can't get a grip on whose shelf Hunter Biden's laptop is on, I doubt they're going to get to the bottom of this, either.
Since my wife and I get food and seeds from Azure, I can at least report this bit: the headquarters was not the warehouses, so they're still taking orders on most products. You're welcome.
Take Two: Build Shelves Back Better?
"Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it."
I get it now. There's going to be nothing on human shelves—unless we build a new networked economy.
Since humans are so hard to find, let's go back to CEOs who at least have reliable data on what humans keep on their shelves. Fun fact, if you search "Bill Gates casual photo" on Brave, then click the "images" button, there are no results. But don't worry, I've got this one covered.
Meanwhile, in the metaverse, "I'm CEO, with sweet sweet barbeque sauce, b****."
Take three? Four? Five?
"Pf*** it. Just vax em while they're trying to figure out whether 'sweet baby' has anything to do with adrenochrome."
And that brings us to Moderna CEO Stephane Bansal, and what's on his office wall, which seems barren of shelving.
Yeah, like those primates that pharmaceutical companies routinely test products on and then euthanize. How else would they raise the utility of otherwise useless eaters?
But at least there are no masking requirements. Somewhere in that fact is your moment of zen. Frame it and put it up on a shelf, somewhere.
Bonus Round: As I find more of these, I might drop them in as time permits.